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Jokes you could tell in church

A selection of clean jokes that can be used to lighten up any presentation

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late..But please don't shove me either!'

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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pall-bearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair . . . and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!"

His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

More for Lexophiles (A lover of cryptic words) .

* Police were called to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

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◦	Do you drop your dacks at work
◦	Whats for breakfast
◦	Go Home. Stop those long overtime hours
◦	Benifits of Booze
◦	Stop Laughing and start living
◦	Don’t become a victim of the ‘Streisand Effect’
◦	Tell the boss to turn-it-down
◦	Coffe, Cancer and Chaos
◦	Weddings should be banned
◦	The Laws of the Universe - or Murphy was an Optomist
◦	Is it time to tell the boss to get ..........

The Law - Act, Regulations, Codes of Practice

Case studies - WHS through the cases - Australia

◦	Jail plus $1m fine
◦	Category 1 offence
◦	$1.3m penalty for death of a worker
◦	$10m Undertaking
◦	Farting at work
◦	Playing cricket is work
◦	Chain of command
◦	Accident on way home was found to a connection to work
◦	Worker impaled by reinforcing bar
◦	Unfair Dismissal at end of fixed term contract
◦	Sexual assault in hospital
◦	First_cat_1_Offence_in_NSW
◦	Record NSW WHS Penalty
◦	Who is Engaged as a Worker?
◦	Record Victorian penalty
◦	When are you at work?
◦	Fall at work. $688,000 compensation
◦	Record penalty against businessman for underpayment
◦	Rise in manslaughter cases
◦	Ladder use - training not required
◦	Make sure that your defence team knows the right numbers
◦	Telling a ‘porky’ won’t bring home the bacon
◦	Employment agency not vicariously liable
◦	Tourist dies whilst on tour in Northern Territory
◦	The cost of failing
◦	Suspended gaol term
◦	Enforceable undertaking
◦	Lifting of boxes is part of normal office work
◦	Should you be terminated for swearing at the boss, or kissing a colleague
◦	Who is NOT an officer of a PCBU.
◦	Powers of WorkCover NSW to force a company to produce documents
◦	Ensuring safety
◦	Can unreasonable behaviour be insured
◦	Is it forseeable?
◦	Employee responsible for own safety.
◦	HSR loses unfair dismissal case
◦	Transport company, and the director, fined for false records
◦	Hume doors enforceable undertaking
◦	Theft_of_data
◦	What_is_reasonable
◦	When a frolic is not compensatable!
◦	117 Workers found guilty
◦	Fired for doing a chicken dance
◦	Sexual harassment worker wins after appeal
◦	Enforceable Undertaking in glass factory
◦	Injured worker caught playing competative basketball
◦	Claim 19 years after death
◦	Throwing Stones – Not the Right Answer
◦	Employer beats OHS charge
◦	Beware of hot water before you land in it.
◦	Is 'lippy' a cure for bullying?
◦	Does a principal contractor have a responsibility to train a sub-contractor
◦	What constitutes 'reasonable'
◦	Be Polite
◦	Big payout for sexual harassment
◦	Sex not work - High Court decides
◦	Court defends HSR's actions
◦	What is acceptable alternative work
◦	Worker crushed by machine safe system failed
◦	Is it work? The courts don't always agree
◦	How not to break an egg
◦	Is drinking coffee work?
◦	Lifting copy paper nets almost $240k
◦	Baida Chickens
◦	Machinery supplier fined over amputation
◦	Director is not 'too remote' from the company
◦	The Kirk Case
◦	Bunnings and the Potting Mix
◦	Hazardous Hairdresser and OHS
◦	Robbery at Franklins
◦	Fosters $1.25m penalty
◦	Self employed - Safety for the disobedient

Stories from around the world

◦	UK Company pays 1 million pounds
◦	Hotel workers to wear panic buttons
◦	Royal Opera House made to face the music
◦	When can work be a smoko?
◦	penalty reduced on financial grounds
◦	Star Wars Film Producers Prosecuted
◦	Electromagnetic fields harmful to your health
◦	Warning to Welders
◦	A big payout for two four two letter words
◦	Green Tea can improve brain function
◦	Don't bully the boss
◦	When is a mother not a mother
◦	Obesity and work - the connection
◦	New Zealand to adopt Australian WHS law
◦	How I Broke My Collar Bone
◦	The church thatdoes not believe in prayer, and the whore house that does
◦	OHS Consultant fined for being unqualified
◦	Prison for OHS fraud
◦	What is sex discrimination worth?
◦	Don't get Cross about a Cross
◦	Fired for being too sexy
◦	Is lactation a condition of pregnancy
◦	Email From Home results in sacking
◦	Compo case while working from home
◦	Top ten US causes of workplace injury
◦	Drug testing and the story of a false 'you know what'
◦	Does your company have a love contract?
◦	Unknown worker retires
◦	The crazy world of Britain's OHS Regulations
◦	Buffered for Morale, or getting it all off

Stories from around Australia

◦	Who is looking after those that look after us.
◦	Drug vapours threaten life of police officer
◦	Urine testing banned
◦	Discriminatory Conduct
◦	Coles fined $170 000
◦	Unfair Dismissals
◦	Sex on a business trip
◦	Director acquitted and charged after appeal
◦	Telstra employee injured while working from home
◦	Jail sentence for OHS offence
◦	20 20 Hindsight
◦	OHS in a Brothel

Resources

◦	Pin Decision Tree
◦	Site Inspection Form

Communication

◦	Impromptu Speaking
◦	Retorts and Witticisms
◦	Washington Post Word competition
◦	Quotes1
◦	Quotes2
◦	Quote3

Legislation- codes of practice - fact sheets

◦	Legislation and Codes of Practice
◦	Fact Sheets and Statistics
◦	WHS Decision Tree

Accident Investigation and Reporting and Management Theories

◦	The concept of empowerment
◦	The Heinrich Law
◦	The five why technique
◦	Fishbone or 'Ishikawa technique'
◦	William_Edwards_Deming
◦	P_D_C_A
◦	Risk_Matrix

Just for fun

◦	SDS for hazardous material:- Man and Woman
◦	Murphy was an optomist
◦	OHS Humour
◦	Jokes you could tell in church
◦	When U Black, You Black
◦	Brain Teasers
◦	BrainTeaser 1
◦	BrainTeaser 2
◦	BrainTeaser 3
◦	BrainTeaser 4
◦	BrainTeaser 5
◦	BrainTeaser 6

Signs and Photographs

◦	Illusions
◦	Transport
◦	Stupid Signs
◦	Working at Height
◦	Not a good idea
◦	Electrical
◦	Wrong tool
◦	Overloaded
◦	Building sites and builders

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